by Allison Liccardi
I remember the four walls for how hard my heart broke,
And promises, yeah many promises they were also spoke.
Wisdom, I only know one thing about;
You must embrace it and welcome it, not continuously shut it out.
Now that same wisdom oh how stubborn it can be.
You know what is happening and yet with faith you become unable to see.
A faith that we are obligated to share,
Not for our luck or blessings and yet only for the one who knows how to truly care.
So I reluctantly follow my intuition which is so finely tuned within my brain,
Knowing that you have no intention to hurt me but the wisdom to know you will do the same.
As I watch and try to explain accusations of how within Jesus Christ I will not reign.
How Jesus Christ has better for you and a deeper more adequate partner
As if the pages were prewritten and we skipped to the future;
That exact future which spit back that we never were,
Is the reason for which my presence has become such a blur.
Sitting for hours contemplating the words to say,
How I regret how I treated you when in all reality I have too much dislike for you to even simply pray.
I bow my head and ask for forgiveness for the way
My soul rebelled and yet within the deepest parts of my spirit the Lord cried
For me and as I shook my head I retried.
Fighting with the want to apologize for my hasty tongue
All the while my heart, only of hate, sung.
How do I make this right without him thinking that I am doing this to redeem favor within my man
And how do I fight the urge to call the nursing home
And laugh as to the door her boss directs a strong hand.
How do I remind him that we used to be so close on the phone
And that I cry from the pits of my stomach for that relationship is dead
When my chest cavity wants you to watch as I act out the turmoil within my head.
Is it funny now? Never could I commit an act so crude
And yet how do I apologize to a man whom bare my fears completely nude.
What an invasion of my soul as I wait for the phone to ring,
The coward, she could say nothing, not one thing.
How do I apologize when I am so angry after I thought I was relieved
And how do I smile at a bitter man who claims to believe?
Where to begin to apologize for you abusing my kid,
Calling her a fat ass and trying to find ways of us to rid.
Where in the hell do I begin to fathom a point of redemption as you sat there and lied to him.
My daddy, the man that I love!!!
Telling him that I cheat and use and with the words dropped from above,
Held in the same hands that are smothered with blood.
Non fearing of Jesus Christ or the law,
Claiming to change and yet letting me see the actions that I had saw.
How do I begin to apologize to a man that I am not sorry to
And how do I save my soul from hating you?
And then Jesus Christ snuck into my mind,
“Allison watch your thoughts and it’s not an apology that will make you whole.
Only forgiveness can save your soul.”
So I sighed in between heaving of the chest and
I prayed and tried to relieve this hate the best that I could,
And slowly the apology followed as it should.
I forgive you for manipulating me over the phone
And I forgive you for playing Russian roulette with your son in his own home.
I forgive you for the abuse sexual and non
And I forgive you for neglecting my street smarts and thinking my innocence you could con.
I forgive you for making my children’s therapy sessions prolong
And I forgive you for laughing in my face when you were so wrong.
I forgive you for molding your beautiful son into you
And I forgive you for shattering my soul and breaking my heart in two.
I forgive you for hiding money from me as if I was a villain
And I forgive you for betraying me in only the way that satan can.
I forgive you for suggesting your son lay with another woman
And I forgive you when I want to reprimand you for him listening.
I don’t want to feel this hate and yet how do I relieve it?
I don’t want to hurt my baby however how do I accept that he used my heart for hit.
A hit that Gotti himself would be unable to plan
And too twisted for The Gambino family to commit.
I forgive you for stealing my peace
And causing kolonapine to be ineffective
And I forgive you for laughing
When you heard about the crying my eyes had to give.
Why is it okay for you to do all of these things
And yet I can’t even write a poem if within it turmoil will bring
Anxiety with depression.
Panic with fear.
Screaming and crying.
Holding on and yet letting go.
He called her baby and told her that he’d call
Minutes after I was denied and my self-esteem was forced to fall.
Starting fights and denying me sexually,
All the while probably loving her ever so freely.
I do not know how to stop the emotions and yet it is probably too new.
My relationship has failed not because of the man that I love but because of you.
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