by Connie Cox (Misner)
More Poems About MS|Multiple Sclerosis|40th Anniversary|Double|Chronic|Lost Me|A Close Call|Lonely|Finally Diagnosed|Limboland|The Slaying|Time Matters|No Longer Benign|How Long|Stranger|Resistance|MS Means|What MS Means to Me|Just Because|My Body Betrays Me|Life Sentence|Like the Super Bowl Win||Just What I Think|I Never Get a Break|Quick Sands|The Colors of MS|The MS Blues|I Will Win|MS Will Never Beat Me|I Will Win|Can't Take Me Away|Will Today Be The Day?|The Diagnosis|My MS Monkey|Multiple Sclerosis II|MS Carnation|I Am Stronger Then I Am|As a Small Child's Bird|Dear Neurosurgeon:|Just MSing Around|What MS Took|MS and Me|A Bad Dream|Deamons and Monsters|Falling|After the Fall|You Won't Let Go|Betrayed|MS Morning|Why?|
I want to walk but I know I can’t
Confusion and fear hold me back
I fall and people I trust don’t catch me.
When I was 25 years old, I ran for a cab.
I was rushing. I could have waited
Impatience overtook me
I don’t know why.
I fell and my legs crashed into the cement
I was told it was a freak accident
But I was scared and unaware
That I fractured my foot and ankle.
It healed but that was the first of many falls.
The next fall was in a van and the driver hit a possum.
I flew out of the belt; I flew above my seat.
I turned, I twisted.
I hurt my head, my neck, my back, and my legs.
For a brief second, I was suspended in the air over my husband’s head.
I called for my mom when I hit the van floor.
A baby was inside me, but I did not know it at the time.
I cradled myself as my body hit the floor.
Then there was Kmart.
The day I fell and hit my head
Reaching for clothes on the rack.
All I saw when I fell back was darkness.
I woke up and a headache was there to greet me.
It’s another accident, I was told
People were talking but I heard no sounds.
I went home with a concussion this time and was labeled ‘accident prone.’
After that, I entered the world of walkers.
The walker made me feel independent as I walked into a future with MS.
From then on, I saw the world sideways.
It was hard to get shoes to fit the brace I had to wear.
It was like my leg wouldn’t go with me.
My leg stayed back while I went forward.
Seeing me like this scared my daughter.
The brace and walker were like monsters to her.
I was half monster.
It was hard to hold her, hard to see her.
It wasn’t until my daughter was older that I could hold her again.
Years later, doctors wanted to see if I could stand and walk without my walker.
I remember the doctors and nurses moving my walker away from me.
Could I walk to the bed? The question on everybody’s mind.
Everybody, but not me.
I remember hitting the floor. I thought I saw mom and dad hovering over me.
When I woke up, I was scared. I thought I was in a bad dream.
Days passed, reality was a blur.
Mom said I hit my back and spine.
I was bruised from head to toe.
Nurses thought I would not live.
My mom kept whispering, “Please live for your kids.”
When I came through, I found out it was not a dream.
I came to the hospital on a walker, but I would be leaving in a wheelchair.
When I got the wheelchair, I wasn’t sad like the others thought I would be. I said to myself, “I always wanted to drive!”
The last fall I had was in my current home. A house attendant pulled my cushion from under me and I slipped to the floor with it. The fall bruised my back. It felt like I was attacked.
This fall brought back the past, feelings of fear, feeling like I was betrayed.
Wishing I could walk.
Wanting answers but getting none in return.