What do I do?

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What do I do?

by Tommyd
(PA)

I was just married a few months ago and my wife has MS. She has had it since 1989 but we have only been together a short time. Her symptoms are fatigue and leg pain and numbness. I find myself helpless when she has an attack and it is upsetting to me and she thinks I get mad. I just don't know what to do, how to act or what to say.

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What do I do?

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Nov 10, 2011
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Listen-Support-Love
by: Akrista

Hi Tommyd,
First of all, you are there for your wife. The fact that you married her knowing that she had MS, shows her (and others) that you love her. The reason she thinks you get mad may be because she feels you don't understand.

And you don't and never will know the full extent of her pain and what she has to live through every day of her life. A chronic illness is not an easy thing to endure, but people do it everyday. Unfortunately, it can be physically and emotionally draining.

Many MSers feel that no one understands what they're going through unless they have MS. And on top of that, everyone's MS is different. MS is not an easy thing to live with, and for those of us who are married to or live with a partner who has it - it's not an easy thing to watch someone go through with either.

My best advice as a spouse and MS caregiver, is to learn to listen to what your wife is saying. Support her in whatever she wants to do. And love her every minute of every day and tell her (and show her) often.

It took me a long time to get to where I understood exactly what MS was and what it was doing to my husband. It hasn't changed the person he is overall - he's still funny and loves to talk. He's passionate about our relationship and the things he believes in. He cares deeply about people - especially those closest to him.

He's still determined and willing to work hard at getting what he wants. The only thing different is his body gets in the way. The physical limitations MS places on him make it frustrating to do even the simplest things like get up and go get a glass of water.

Having to depend on someone else for your basic needs can make anyone feel that they are a burden to those around them. They may feel you don't care or that you are angry if the sense even the slightest hint of any negative feelings on your part.

You're not perfect. There may be days when you do feel angry - with yourself or with her. That's normal. Just let her know that you are more angry at the MS than anything.

MS takes, relentlessly, until there is hardly anything left. That's when I've seen my husband reach down deep and pull his will to live from the clutches of the MS monster. We, as spouses must sit by and watch this. And then - We listen. We support. And we love. It's what we do.

Here are a few other websites and bloggers who are spouses of MSers.

Caregivingly Yours,

My Wife Has MS,

Hope this helps.
Take care,

Akrista

Nov 12, 2011
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@Akrista
by: Akrista

Thank you for replying! Her symptoms are fatigue and leg pain sometimes, even if she didn't have MS I would still do the things I do for her. It may seem kind of selfish, but when she would have attacks she kind of goes into a shell and I was taking it the wrong way, like she was just blocking me out.

I now know that is not the case. I am listening to her now like you said, and she has told me that very same thing. It's frustrating because I want to do something to help her and there's nothing but being there.

I want to kick MS's ass real bad. I will always be by her side no matter what direction this goes and I am trying to learn more every day. This site is awesome.
tytytytytyty

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